they both will come.

I’ve continued to find so much hope and comfort in writing again. This feeling of heart-ripped-open, teeth chattering, tears flowing, keys pounding on the keyboard feeling is far from foreign to me and, each time life guides me back to this place, a small part of me feels like I’m coming home.
I still find myself in the gray area of wanting to pour everything out on the page and trying to keep it all locked inside because, if I write it down, it means it’s true.
Often times, when something bad or tragic or heartbreaking happens, I find myself hoping to move through it as quickly as possible. “Give me a list, I’ll check everything off, and then I’ll move on.”
If only it could be so easy.
I am learning now that the dust has settled, that the only way through it is through it. The only way to move forward is often to stop and sit with the pain. The only way to check something off the list is to throw away the damn list and feel everything your heart is so desperately trying to trying to get you to feel.
When everything first happened, I had something tangible to attach all of the feelings to. This missing and longing belonged to a specific person. The anger and deceit belonged to the actions of someone. The loss and mourning clung to a life that I had planned with another.
I think one of the most helpful realizations I have had is that we don’t have to attach our feelings to anyone or anything. We can allow them to come and go, we can observe them, pause for a moment and think, “wow, I feel really sad right now. My heart feels heavy, and I hurt. hurt. hurt.”
We can breathe into that feeling, lean into it even, and release it when it has served it’s purpose and is ready to go. We don’t have to attach those feelings to our heads or our hearts. We don’t have to claw and grasp and reach for them so we can bury them away in a box of no return. And we definitely don’t have to sit and wonder why we are feeling the way we are.
Who caused this, why now, how long will it stay?
I exhausted myself with my “need to know” when it came to my feelings. I found myself feeling angry and impatient when 4 hours of hope and happiness sandwiched even a few minutes of earth shattering sadness and despair. I wasted time trying to pinpoint what it was that caused those feelings to well up and, rather than feel them and release them, I ignored them and, instead, tried to discover the source so that I would never be confronted with those feelings again.
Well, the feelings are always going to come, my sweet warriors.
The feelings are going to come on the days and in the moments you least expect it. They will try to trick you into believing it should have been different rather than seeing it for what it is. They will deceive you into wondering if you made a mistake, they will compel you to question your future or feel uncertain about the path in which you are headed down.
But, just as the sad feelings well up, there will be hope and happiness to wash them away–if you let it. If you breathe into the pain, you might find yourself face-to-face with hope and happiness and get a new chance to observe new feelings with new promises.

Neither of them will be final, and neither of them will be without reason and purpose.
They will both come. Believe me when I tell you that.
They will both come.
The only way through it is through it.

7 thoughts on “they both will come.

  1. God – your writing is just incredible. You write what so many of us have felt ad just couldn’t describe…what talent. Im sorry for all your pain…i know as well as you that in time – that void in your heart and the hollow pit inside you will be filled again.

    I assume you and your fianc̩ broke up Рthat he cheated?

    Risa Feldman Host, Epicurean Exploring


    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Writing has been such a constant in my life no matter what I’m going through or whether I’m experiencing a peak or a valley.
      To put it simply, yes, I found out 7 days before my wedding day that my fiancé had been cheating on me for weeks. It felt like horrific timing initially, but I’ve since learned to find so much grace in the fact that I found out 7 days before and not 7 days after. It was a blessing in disguise wrapped up in a really painful and earth shattering package.

  2. You are so right Mac. You have to work through it and WORK it is. Healing comes in time and it takes work. One thing that helped me during the deepest moments of grief and pain was creating a physical space, ‘my grieving room’, to go into and cry, scream, curl up in the fetal position and beg God to take it all away. Sometimes the emotional exhale took 10 mins., sometimes more than an hour but the release was physical and real. When I stepped out of ‘my grieving room’ I crossed under the door’s threshold and consciously closed the door to leave those feelings behind so I could function in a world not in tune with the grief and pain that I felt was consuming mine. After months of keeping the room a private and sacred place where my feelings were raw and exposed a dear friend checked up on me and said, “isn’t it time to open that door to others who want to support you through this?” It was, I did, and the healing process seemed easier. Everyone finds their own place, their own way, their own path to get through the disappointment, rejection, abandonment, and pain life throws at us but you pegged it so truthfully; Through it is the Only way to get through it. I love you my friend. Thank you for boldly sharing your heart as an inspiration for so many of us.

    1. Thank you so much, Jane. You have been by my side no matter what life throws my way and I’ve been so thankful for the healing that has occurred in the quiet spaces between us when we are together. You are so strong, and, because of that, you allow yourself to be weak. That is the truest strength of all and that is where the rebuilding takes place. I love you with all of my feathers 🙂

  3. Dear Take Your Heart:

    Everything I do I do it for you, search your heart search your soul. I do it for you. Look into your heart………

    Taken Heart

  4. Hello… I don’t know you but landed on your blog because someone I know on FB liked one of your posts and it ended up in my feed. Your writing is beautiful! This particular post felt so familiar as I too went through the hell of being cheated on (several years ago) and I remember the moment I chose to embrace the feelings as you describe! From one to gets easier and the heart mends and grows stronger! Don’t doubt yourself and know someone even more amazing will show up when you least expect! Thanks for sharing your talent of writing with the world!

    1. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you for taking time to reach out and share your experience. Man, getting cheated on really sucks. It stings like mountain wind burn in the moments you least expect it. But I’m so thankful that it happened when it did, and I know it was a really important lesson wrapped up in a super crappy package. I’ll be stronger and I’ll love harder and I will learn to fall in love with myself again. It’s hard and it feels like a roller coaster a lot of the time, but I’m so thankful for people like you reaching out to remind me that I’m not alone. All my love xoxo

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