when the moon feels close enough to touch

Hi Dad, Happy birthday. I wish you were here so I could show up at your house unannounced with a bottle of Calvin cologne and we could watch football and talk about work, and life, and if I’ve “dated any knuckleheads” lately. I miss resting my head on your shoulder while you explained why there […]

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a softer trip around the sun

This morning, I woke up and took a walk for an hour by myself. My breath felt kind of shallow and no matter how deep I tried to inhale, it felt like it was stunted by something. Shortened. Being pressed back out. I came home and stayed busy; laundry and meal prep, cleaning and chores. […]

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if we choose to look in its direction

I feel like this is what always happens, so I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record (with a few months in between each record playing.) But here I am, writing a stupid blog post just to prove to myself that I can. Just to start and finish something. Just to get some of […]

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cheers to you, daddio.

Daddy, Today, you would be 65. 65. It’s hard to grasp, really. In my eyes, you will always be strong, outstretched arms, golden tan skin, hands 5 times as big as mine, spinning me ‘round and ‘round and ‘round in the back yard. You will always be late night trips to Pojos, winning me every […]

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{the first time I met grief}

The first time I met grief, I didn’t know what to do with him. He showed up at my door like a child dressed up as the grim reaper. He looked just as scared as I was. We stared at each other and I tried to close the door, but he showed up by my […]

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When love comes back

I used to hope that there would be fireworks and confetti when love found me again. I begged for some kind of sign that I would be able to see or hear or feel all the screaming yeses promising me that love had really come back around. I practiced noticing the subtle differences between the […]

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the moment I pressed send–{on saying yes and saying no}

I remember pressing send and feeling so many emotions well up inside of me. I felt powerful and weak, exposed and vulnerable. I felt beautiful and ashamed, scared and worthy. It felt like a rite of passage to send such intimate photos of myself simply because someone had asked for them. Like I was finally […]

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let go of your checklist; let love find you

I used to be so certain about what it was I wanted in a significant other. Funny. Smart. Charming. Kind. Driven. Tall. Active. Ambitious. Smart. I had a laundry list I checked off with each person I met, and I often discovered within the first conversation I knew whether or not we’d be riding off […]

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what it means to matter

I remember sitting next to my dad’s bed in the emergency room while nurses and technicians rushed in and out, in and out, in and out. I didn’t notice much of the chaos around me; I just stared at my dad’s chest and held my breath as I begged for him to take another one. […]

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what love isn’t.

When you get your heart broken, if you’re anything like me, you want to figure out what you did wrong immediately in order to make sure none of these same shards of heartbreak ever cut you again. I’ve gone back and analyzed every word, every argument; and every hidden meaning I thought might be intertwined […]

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