changing the ending this time

I don’t know how to exist in a healthy relationship. I am literally just barely recognizing that I’ve never even had one, and it’s terrifying to feel like some weird lens has been removed from my eyes. At 30, and I’m finally learning (ready to learn? hoping to learn?) skills vital to loving and being […]

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5 years.

5 years. This morning I woke up with the beautiful sawtooth mountains as a backdrop for my morning, sipping coffee and taking in every fragment of the moment as my heart broke and mended a million times over. Thousands of pieces shattering apart and pulling back together, a beautiful ebb and flow that I have […]

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the bright white light

Grief is the craziest experience of my life, thus far. It is not linear. It does not follow a path or a pattern or any type of algorithm that we can track. It just, is. And, some days, grief is filled with the darkest shade of blue I have ever encountered. It swallows you whole […]

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Finding what I wasn’t looking for

Man, so much has changed over the past few months and I am finally finding time to sit down and get some of my thoughts out of my head and onto the keyboard. I have found myself in a really present, calm, and happy head-space lately, and I have found that my heart-space has followed […]

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it’s not goodbye, it’s see you soon.

  Since before I can remember, I asked for a big brother for Christmas. But not just for Christmas, literally any chance I ever got. I begged my parents to no avail, and eventually ended up kind of giving up on the whole idea. (Especially when I realized the technicalities of asking for a sibling […]

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when the moon feels close enough to touch

Hi Dad, Happy birthday. I wish you were here so I could show up at your house unannounced with a bottle of Calvin cologne and we could watch football and talk about work, and life, and if I’ve “dated any knuckleheads” lately. I miss resting my head on your shoulder while you explained why there […]

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a softer trip around the sun

This morning, I woke up and took a walk for an hour by myself. My breath felt kind of shallow and no matter how deep I tried to inhale, it felt like it was stunted by something. Shortened. Being pressed back out. I came home and stayed busy; laundry and meal prep, cleaning and chores. […]

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if we choose to look in its direction

I feel like this is what always happens, so I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record (with a few months in between each record playing.) But here I am, writing a stupid blog post just to prove to myself that I can. Just to start and finish something. Just to get some of […]

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cheers to you, daddio.

Daddy, Today, you would be 65. 65. It’s hard to grasp, really. In my eyes, you will always be strong, outstretched arms, golden tan skin, hands 5 times as big as mine, spinning me ‘round and ‘round and ‘round in the back yard. You will always be late night trips to Pojos, winning me every […]

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When love comes back

I used to hope that there would be fireworks and confetti when love found me again. I begged for some kind of sign that I would be able to see or hear or feel all the screaming yeses promising me that love had really come back around. I practiced noticing the subtle differences between the […]

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