sometimes I get scared that you don’t exist.

Sometimes, I get angry that you have not found me yet.

I get angry because there have been times I have needed you and cried out for you. I have hoped and prayed and begged for you. I asked, and you never answered. I called out, and there was no response. I searched, and you were nowhere to be found. If you are reading this, I found you.

Sometimes, I get scared that you don’t even exist.

I think about the mountains of expectation I have created, the endless checklists within my mind. I think about all of the deal-breakers and dead ends and broken hearts and tear-stained pillows and it makes me want to give up. But, for some reason, a tiny voice always whispers your name.

If you are reading this, you heard it too.

Sometimes, it hurts my heart to think about how much we have missed out on.

Memories and accomplishments, failures and defeat. You are the person I want to call when I receive good news, and the arms I long to catch me when bad news brings me to my knees. It hurts my heart to think about how much of each other’s lives we have missed out on, but it makes me smile to know that our life together has not even begun.

If you are reading this, the first day of the rest of my life begins and ends with you.

Sometimes, wishing for you seems selfish.

My life is wonderful, my heart is happy, and I know that I am loved. But something inside of me knows that everything is going to be better with you. Loving you will be so easy, and living without you will suddenly become the hardest thing I hope I never have to do. I am doing the best I can to become the person that I am supposed to be, but sometimes I wish on falling stars and 11:11′s and scattered dandelions that you are somewhere out there wishing for me.

If you are reading this, my wish came true.

Sometimes, I feel our puzzle piece bodies intertwined.

As the beat of your noisy heart sings me to sleep. I press the snooze button just so I can hold you for a little bit longer, stuck in the precious moments between being asleep and awake.

If you are reading this, being awake with you is better than even my favorite dreams.

Sometimes, on rainy mornings, I wonder if you look out the window and sip your coffee, missing me the way that I miss you.

Sometimes, on hot summer nights, I wonder if you imagine falling asleep under the stars, laughing as we try to think about something to wish for, because our wildest dream already came true. Sometimes, I wonder if you know I am out here, spending my nights wondering about you. I wonder if you ever think you are crazy, patiently waiting to love the girl who has been waiting her whole life to fall in love with you. I wonder if you tell yourself that you will just know when something is true…

If you are reading this… you do.

*****

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3 thoughts on “sometimes I get scared that you don’t exist.

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