So we meet again.
Falling to the floor like a newborn calf, I swear I was walking seconds ago.
face meets carpet and it feels like I’m screaming
no one would know I was home if they were standing outside my door
It’s like I’m running away while standing still
spinning in circles while being sucked under the ground
I claw and I ache and I’m numb and I’m helpless
the wheel spins fast, the time moves slow.
Your name used to dance so easily on my tongue
your secret life turned my words to blood
even this crimson river seems to whisper her name
If only I had been listening all along.
So we meet again.
Crying in the shower because it’s the only time of day where the water from my eyes feels like it’s at home
It’s the only time of day I feel like I belong.
I close my eyes and tears turn into arms promising safety like they used to.
Do you remember when your arms were my home?
Do you remember when you promised you’d never leave me alone?
Do you remember when you promised?
Anything at all?
Your runaway hands left my hair in knots
I try to brush you out as the clumps fall to the floor
You always took a part of me with you
You always left me less of whatever I started as
I find pieces of myself you tried to shatter in the broken reflection you left me to fix.
Your leaving kisses sucked my stomach into my throat
I try to swallow you down and get you out
You’re the taste in my mouth in the morning reminding me that I’m alone.
You are the circled date on the calendar I have grown to hate.
The canceling of a fairytale,
the finding out I didn’t ever know you at all.
The unanswered questions, the silence at the other end of the table,
the lie in my bed after lying in her arms.
You are the released sigh telling me the pain is finally over
Until I learn that the pain has only just begun.
You are the constant longing and the begging for slaughter
the bleeding out from my fingertips as I touch a body of nails that awakens every atom and every cell and every tear and every scream.
The forced smile as my knees buckle,
the shameless way you exchanged your feelings so easily.
You are the pushing you away and the pulling you inside of me
All the way inside
Until you disappear
You always disappear.
But this time, you disappeared when I discovered you.
The person you arrived as was dressed up like the cure;
The person you left as revealed you had always been the poison.