[ME]et again

[ME]et again


So we meet again.

Falling to the floor like a newborn calf, I swear I was walking seconds ago.
face meets carpet and it feels like I’m screaming
no one would know I was home if they were standing outside my door

It’s like I’m running away while standing still
spinning in circles while being sucked under the ground
I claw and I ache and I’m numb and I’m helpless
the wheel spins fast, the time moves slow.

Your name used to dance so easily on my tongue
your secret life turned my words to blood
even this crimson river seems to whisper her name
If only I had been listening all along.

So we meet again.

Crying in the shower because it’s the only time of day where the water from my eyes feels like it’s at home
It’s the only time of day I feel like I belong.
I close my eyes and tears turn into arms promising safety like they used to.

Do you remember when your arms were my home?
Do you remember when you promised you’d never leave me alone?
Do you remember when you promised?
Anything at all?

Your runaway hands left my hair in knots
I try to brush you out as the clumps fall to the floor
You always took a part of me with you
You always left me less of whatever I started as
I find pieces of myself you tried to shatter in the broken reflection you left me to fix.

Your leaving kisses sucked my stomach into my throat
I try to swallow you down and get you out
You’re the taste in my mouth in the morning reminding me that I’m alone.

You are the circled date on the calendar I have grown to hate.
The canceling of a fairytale,
the finding out I didn’t ever know you at all.
The unanswered questions, the silence at the other end of the table,
the lie in my bed after lying in her arms.

You are the released sigh telling me the pain is finally over
Until I learn that the pain has only just begun.

You are the constant longing and the begging for slaughter
the bleeding out from my fingertips as I touch a body of nails that awakens every atom and every cell and every tear and every scream.
The forced smile as my knees buckle,
the shameless way you exchanged your feelings so easily.
You are the pushing you away and the pulling you inside of me
All the way inside

Until you disappear

You always disappear.

But this time, you disappeared when I discovered you.

The person you arrived as was dressed up like the cure;
The person you left as revealed you had always been the poison.


8 thoughts on “[ME]et again

  1. Your writing is awesome. I can’t feel your pain but I went through this type situation and it still hurts sometimes. I’m happy now and with who I belong with but all the deception from that person still stings. It’s been 10 years now. It gets better.

    1. Thank you, Cindy. I can finally say I’m at a place where I believe you. Those first few weeks are rough. But the human body and brain is incredible. We are so adaptable. So accepting of the tragedies and heartbreak life throws our way. I see a glimmer of light around the corner, that keeps me going. Thank you for reaching out. I know our scars are roadmaps of where we have been and what we have experienced. The wound hurts right now, but once it heals, it’ll be a stop on the way to get me where I ended up. All my love xo

  2. Hi Macaile- I’m a friend of your mom’s. I’ve been married 20 years and am soon divorcing because of circumstances that seem very similar to yours. It’s heartbreaking…Your poem spoke to me so much, I can’t even begin to tell you how deeply. I just wanted to say thank you for your writing and that I love it. You may not want to hear this, but count yourself lucky because you figured out this person’s true character now and not a lifetime later.

    1. Oh Susan, my heart breaks for you. As time has passed, I truly do see my situation as a blessing in disguise. It had to hurt really bad now so that it doesn’t have to hurt even worse later on. I am so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. There’s truly no greater deceit or betrayal. I hope you know in your heart of hearts that had nothing to do with you. It is not something that could have been controlled or changed. I spent the first couple weeks as a beggar I’d never known myself to be. I just wanted another chance, I would be better, happier, kinder, more serving. But I see things so differently now and I know that we can’t love someone enough to make them love themselves. We can’t respect someone enough to make them have respect for others. This is their weight they will have to carry-their decision, their mistake, their regret.
      We are given the option to let this destroy us or grow us, make us better or bitter.
      I am here if you ever want an ear to listen. You are not alone. I’m thinking of you!!

  3. Hey friend!
    I just saw this and had to tell you what an amazing writer you are, and more importantly what an amazing person you are! I am so sorry for what you are going through, and hope you can find some peace in your life while going through something so crushing! I can’t say I know exactly what you are going through, but I am a good listener! 🙂 so If you ever need someone to talk to please don’t hesitate to reach out! Luv ya girl!

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