At any given moment in time, there are FAR more things that you don’t know in this world than things that you do.
What’s the square root of 9456? The capital of New Hampshire? The founding fathers of our nation in alphabetical order? Even things as minute as the exact price per gallon for gas at the Chevron you pass every single day on your way to work. Numbers, facts, names, places, dates. Things that you can’t answer, yet don’t spend any more than a second worrying about because you could know the answer at any given time. You could ask your mom or Siri or google and within a millisecond you’d have the answer to almost every single question in your life. Except for the ones that you can’t.
Where will I be 10 years from now? Who will I marry? How many kids will I have? How old will I be when I die?
Questions that take up a huge part of our brain simply because the answer will only present itself when it feels like it.
Questions that feel like a giant gap in your life, a void that you can’t fill, a black hole that constantly sucks you into its emptiness, kicking and screaming until you nearly plead insanity.
If you’re anything like me, you have spent hours upon countless hours worrying, thinking, even trying to plan the answers out to all of the questions you can’t answer. You have worried about things that are completely out of your control and stressed over problems that have yet to present themselves.
I’ve dealt with this a lot lately, as I feel like I am in such control of every aspect of my life that at any given moment everything could be flipped upside down. I have become a master of my own destiny. I have molded and created the path that I am on so precisely that even the slightest pebble in the road feels like a giant roadblock.
It wasn’t until today that I realized life itself is really just a giant roadblock. Life is what happens while you are working so hard to create your “perfect path” that you forget to look up before you fall off a cliff. Life is the dreaded blind turn that you are so scared to face, yet wouldn’t take back for the world. Life is the twists and the turns and all of the broken roads that lead you to the exact place you are supposed to end up. Life is not knowing, not planning, not stressing, not controlling. Life is losing control.
I think the hardest part, for me, is finding a balance between maintaining total control and losing it completely. We live most of our lives trying to find a happy medium, constructing a perfect path to follow our hearts while still taking our heads with us. So much of my life has been decided by my head. I silence my heart while trudging forward through the dark black tunnel, keeping my eye on the light ahead. Lately, I find myself wanting to get lost in the darkness completely. I want to quiet my thoughts and let my heart take control. I want to dive into the waters and find out what’s below. I want to explore my surroundings, find my passion, light my whole world on fire.
Most of the time; however, my head takes over before my heart even has the chance to open up. Before I know it, I am back on my trusty path, more guarded than ever, just me, myself, and I.
I think it’s about time that I let my heart do some exploring. It’s time that I stop thinking about questions I can’t answer, and start searching for answers instead. It’s time to stop dreaming and start doing, put my money where my mouth is, and get my hands dirty. It’s time to do any other cliche saying that tells my head to shut up and let’s my heart do the talking for once.
Sure, I might get hurt. I might find myself facing a dead end road, I will probably take a million wrong turns, and I will definitely fail a time or two. But the funny thing is, all of that would have happened anyways. We can spend our lives stressing about failing before it happens, or we can live our lives and worry about our failures when we are faced with them. I’m done over-analyzing situations that I have no control over, I’m done thinking myself crazy and worrying about questions I can’t answer. Life is one giant question that answers itself. In all the twists and turns, the beauty, the heartbreak, and every little pebble in the road that leads us exactly where we are meant to be. Living is the answer.
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
2 thoughts on “Delicious Ambiguity”
Gilda Radner was a role model for me in my 20s, I am so touched that you found her quote and shared it at the same age. She resonates even more from me in my 60s, I wish she was still with us. Her quote came out of her at the top of her brilliant career when she was diagnoses with terminal ovarian cancer. It captures the grace by which she lived out her life and inspired my generation of women.
I love reading her thoughts and consuming her wisdom, I could get lost in her words. I’m not surprised that you fell in love with her writing long before I discovered her, you and I are so similar and share so much of the same love and passion. I have always looked up to you and admired your strength and resiliency no matter what life throws your way. I love you!