Maybe you needed this as much as I did. Thank you for reminding me that some tears are happy. 

Macaile,

I often think where my life would be if my sister hadn’t passed away 7 years ago. I can promise you I wouldn’t be sitting here in front of the pacific ocean looking over the words “your spirit lives through me” that I carved into the beach completely alone in the darkness. I wouldn’t be reminiscing so many memories of the person whose hands picked me up countless times when my older brother would pick on me or whose voice was my only comfort when I could hear my parents arguments of money shake the walls. But I also wouldn’t be thinking about you and the pain you’re in. You were kind to me at a point in my life when not many girls were and one kind word carried the weight of a thousand. I just hope I can repay you a little of that. As painful as these last 7 years were I would go through it all over again. It took me 4 years to go through the full grief cycle. I remember acceptance hit me in the shower when I could no longer hold on to the lie that Amy was still alive living in Las Vegas. I’ve never felt as weak as I did lying there, water pouring down, with a crushing sensation that my life was worth nothing. Only two people have consistently told me they loved me my whole life and I already buried one… The one I could talk to about anything to spare my mother’s feelings and image of her son. I stopped talking about girls I liked when I was 19. Color has lost vibrancy and flavors aren’t as tasteful. I’m haunted by the thought that I’ll never get to share a drink with her and ask her how she made it through the darkest parts of her life. But… I gained perspective. I learned how to feel empathy and compassion like I never could have known. That perspective gave me the insight to know that we keep up a charade of smiles during the day but the nights are plauged with tears, anger, and the burning question of ‘why’? And it’s in those moments that I feel so hurt for you I wish I could hug you, tell you it’s going to be alright, and tell you that you are worth more than this heartbreak and you will find the one that’ll prove it to you. But these aren’t my words, they’re Amy’s. If she knew you like I do she’d tell you how incredibly smart you are and how proud she is that you’re accomplishing your goals. She’d tell you how gorgeous your hair is and compliment how healthy you look. 

She’d say that when your heart hurts it means it’s growing into something more beautiful. 

I never would have been able to express any of this if I didn’t carry her spirit with me, I never would have developed and changed from the selfish, egotistical person I was, and I know I wouldn’t be sending this to you. Amy had a way of making you forget all the bad things that were happening and it was like having a little slice of heaven even if it was only for a few moments… And I’m just doing my best to keep that alive even though I’ll never be able to like she could. 

I know you’re stuck in a storm and having weathered one myself I’m right there with you for all of it. 

Years down the road your future husband will remind you why you had to go through this and you’ll be able to say that you, too, would go through it all over again. 

I hope I didn’t wake you and I hope tomorrow has something wonderful waiting for you. Night. 

I hope tomorrow has something wonderful waiting for you, too. Until I find the strength to write my own words about this, I’ll borrow these words to carry me through.